WITNESS AND UNDERSTAND THIS:
It is not what we believe
- or what we think
- or what we know
- or even how we feel inside
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 10:47 PM
0 comments
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Dear Reader,
So you know - this blog contains more of the novel, then is shown in the titles to the side - so if you scroll down the first page only - you will see all of them.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 11:56 AM
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OUR MORAL CODE
Is it something we lose
Is it something we lose site of
Is it something we must learn
That it is not given at birth
That in mass
Our global society as a whole
Our schools
Even most of our churches
Our governments - for sure
Actually never address morality – not really
Because we do not understand or discuss it
So now - what we will do about it
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 10:02 AM
0 comments
Sunday, June 25, 2006
PERSONAL NOTE
A Moral Inventory is just a story – albeit my and millions of others story – and the messages are intended to bring the readers through this difficult process to witness the unconscious moral patterns in our society and in ourselves, as adults, which lead to untold misery and eventually war.
A Moral Inventory besides being a story - is a process – not to be presumptive – but it is our process and our unacknowledged message – it is and it is not about the characters or the story – it is about the initiation of the matter of morality – as you read you may or may not get it – I do not expect you to do any thing but accept this piece – if you choose to read it – fine – if not - fine – I only wish for your attention for a moment
The power of the story is a familiar communication adventure for all people who know of addiction and a vicarious educational window into the world of addiction and recovery for those yet to be devastated by their own or their loved ones’ illness.
We witness the principles of the patterns of thinking – the social solidity of denial – and the truth that addictions are nothing more than a misunderstood and untreated socially moral disease – we hear the voices, in the characters and their behaviors of all the truths of our adult social indulgences of behavior we allow and promote unconsciously to our children and young adults – some who, showing early signs of the illness, will absolutely become addicted - and they are either jailed, end up in institutions like rehab or learn to choose to live a sober and responsible life - - or die of their disease.
I offer this work as my intention to make a difference – to provide for the reader a very real journey into the world of addiction – to reveal and acknowledge what we, as the 21st century adult culture on this planet are avoiding to discuss in our schools and are avoiding to responsibly teach our children – to notice we as adults set the tone and create the stage for the abuse of drugs so we can have fun – all the while we avoid how we really feel about our selves, our fears and our responsibilities to discuss and act with moral integrity.
Addiction is not limited to drugs – we are addicted to ignorance and avoidance – because we have not yet awakened morally and Spiritually as a global adult culture
We must Awaken, we must witness and understand that it is what we do that defines who we are - not what we believe or what we know or even how we feel inside.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 10:25 AM
0 comments
Thursday, August 05, 2004
- - RECOVERING OUR MORAL SANITY - -
...
This novel is a work in progress.
It is dedicated to the process of true moral recovery and discovery - not just the recovering from the effects and the causes of the use of drugs and alcohol.
The intentions of this work are to provide a story of the genuine loss of one's personal connection to their moral ethics, including the journey of the personal havoc, the impact of the despair which arises from that loss, and then the process required to heal one's moral nature through the expierences of understanding and practicing the physical, psychological, environmental, emotional, and Spiritual principles to secure a permanent change.
The depth of the message is this:
When you are ready to have a real conversion of your moral behavior and understanding - but only when you are ready, will you be able to ask and receive help.
However, on your own, you are powerless to cause true moral recovery to occur.
This novel is a work in progress.
It is dedicated to the process of true moral recovery and discovery - not just the recovering from the effects and the causes of the use of drugs and alcohol.
The intentions of this work are to provide a story of the genuine loss of one's personal connection to their moral ethics, including the journey of the personal havoc, the impact of the despair which arises from that loss, and then the process required to heal one's moral nature through the expierences of understanding and practicing the physical, psychological, environmental, emotional, and Spiritual principles to secure a permanent change.
The depth of the message is this:
When you are ready to have a real conversion of your moral behavior and understanding - but only when you are ready, will you be able to ask and receive help.
However, on your own, you are powerless to cause true moral recovery to occur.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 11:09 PM
OF THE AMERICAN POPULATION ALONE
· 100,000 die of alcohol each year.
· 27% will suffer, sometime in their life, from a substance abuse disorder.
· 25% die of substance abuse.
· 95% of untreated addicts die of their addiction.
· 50% of traffic deaths are alcohol related.
· 50% of homicides are alcohol related.
· 40% of assaults are alcohol related.
· About 50% of state prison inmates and 40% of federal prisoners incarcerated for committing violent crimes report they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time of their offence.
· More than 18 million patients currently need alcohol treatment and only 25% get it.
· Costs of alcohol abuse were $205 billion in 2003.
· Costs of drug abuse were $115 billion in 2003.
· For every dollar spent on addiction treatment seven dollars are saved in costs to society in healthcare and criminal activity.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:17 PM
INTRODUCTION
....
True and permanent recovery from all addictions is possible.
For all of us who have been touched, invaded, infected and made powerless by any addiction; in the beginning when we are absolutely clear that we want full uncompromising recovery for ourselves or a loved one, we are initially overwhelmed and confused because of the complexities of the entanglements of social, environmental, emotional, psychological, physical and Spiritual conditions which all contribute to keeping the addiction in place.
We do not know what to do. We do not know where to go. We do not know how to start. And most importantly we do not know who to trust.
Once recovery is genuinely desired, it is discovered that the time tested principles of honesty and confession in the 12 Step process used by many social and recovery groups, medical and mental health professionals and rehabilitation facilities provides an accountability process for the addict to begin their journey to regain their conscious sanity.
The 4th Step “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” is required of the addict to establish that beginning; to rebuild and to know, possibly for the first time, their authentic moral character.
True and permanent recovery from all addictions is possible.
For all of us who have been touched, invaded, infected and made powerless by any addiction; in the beginning when we are absolutely clear that we want full uncompromising recovery for ourselves or a loved one, we are initially overwhelmed and confused because of the complexities of the entanglements of social, environmental, emotional, psychological, physical and Spiritual conditions which all contribute to keeping the addiction in place.
We do not know what to do. We do not know where to go. We do not know how to start. And most importantly we do not know who to trust.
Once recovery is genuinely desired, it is discovered that the time tested principles of honesty and confession in the 12 Step process used by many social and recovery groups, medical and mental health professionals and rehabilitation facilities provides an accountability process for the addict to begin their journey to regain their conscious sanity.
The 4th Step “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” is required of the addict to establish that beginning; to rebuild and to know, possibly for the first time, their authentic moral character.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:15 PM
CHAPTER 1
...
The noise – what the hell was that noise? And the smell – god damn - what the hell is that smell?
“Jesus” – he shouted angrily - the god damn noise – “Hey – would you guys shut the fuck up”
David Wells was not having a good morning.
“HEY” he yelled as he sat up right, banging his head on the springs of the bunk above him.
“God fucking damn it – what the fuck” – he said, falling back down rubbing his head feeling for any blood.
“Hey guess who’s up? – It’s the great white hope. Hey, home boy, you gunna kick some ass? – or are you gunna puke some more” - the two of them were laughing. He’d heard them talking all night as he tried to sleep - he hated their guts.
He wanted to yell at them again – but his mouth was too dry and he still couldn’t open his left eye – all he really wanted to do was sleep . . to sleep . . to not think and especially to not remember – not now.
He fell back down on his plastic mattress and passed into semi-sleep again – curling up into an almost fetal position – rumpling and tucking his Armani sport jacket under his head for a pillow.
The drunk tank of the Dallas county jail was a nasty place at 4:30 am on a Thursday in late June. Hell it was a nasty place 24/7/365. And today it was already hot. It smelled of vomit, shit and piss. And the swamp coolers – all the swamp coolers did was make loud grinding noises – and they didn’t put out much cool air.
“The tank” was about 40 feet by 80 feet, a gray painted concrete floor and walled sterile room – with 4 – 3 foot by 3 foot barred translucent wire enmeshed windows up next to the 15 foot ceiling at the far end near the barred door. There were dim 2 foot long stainless steel encased florescent lights alcoved along the wall and ceiling intersections every 10 feet. It could house up to 90 inmates in the dormer style sleeping area on 45 steel bunk beds with 2 inch plastic mattresses - and 120 if it was a bad night. But last night it was a light night there were only 32 – 15 blacks, 9 Hispanics, 8 whites.
David Wells never wanted to awake again – and he couldn’t remember why. As he lightly dozed his mind kept reviewing “the big deal” like a nightmare – never getting to the ending - just going over and over and over the same images of almost getting the check, talking and talking and talking – but not getting the check - and then there were the images in the biker bar and the fight. “Fuck the fight – god damn the fight – that was so stupid”.
He had to piss now – and sleep – sleep wasn’t going to happen until he pissed.
He sat up - again banging his head on the bunk above – “FUCK” he yelled.
“Hey dude shut the fuck up I’m trying to sleep” yelled a guy in a bunk three rows away.
The two Hispanics laughed – saying in Spanish “este hue esta chingado al huevo” – (this mother fucker is really messed up)
“Hey man where’s the toilet” he asked politely of one the Hispanics. They pointed to the far corner of the room.
David moved from one bunk to the next – holding onto the metal frames to steady his walk.
When he got to the corner there was an 8 foot long stainless steel urinal – 3 stainless steel toilets and 3 stainless steel sinks with stainless steel mirrors above them.
He stood with one hand against the wall to keep himself steady as he urinated. Now that was the only thing so far this morning that felt good. No, it felt great – oh man, it felt great.
He moved to the sink and pushed the stainless steel water button in the wall where only cold water came out – As he washed his hands and splashed water on his face - it was then he felt the blood and the bruise to his left eye. “Oh – shit” he said out loud
“God damn it, David – this is really bad, man – and shit - not this week – not this week. You are such an asshole - fuck”
“SHIT” he yelled at the mirror as he felt the bruise.
The reflection wasn’t that clear – The polished steel didn’t give the fine details – but as he splashed water on his face washing off the encrusted blood – he could see that the cut was superficial – above the eye – more of a deep scrape than a cut. But the side of his face was pretty swollen. He felt relieved though to know that in a few days it wouldn’t really be that noticeable – besides he could say it happened in a racquetball game while with Henderson or the attorney at the club.
Yeah – that’s it – yeah – a warrior’s badge of courage while fighting for the money he and his company had earned.
Now he needed to get himself back to the bed and sleep for a few hours and then get the hell out of there.
“Hey man what time is it?”
“Shit, bro, I don’t know - ask the guy at the front desk”. – said a longhaired biker wearing a black sleveless leather vest, he recognized vaguely, standing next to the urinal, swaying and pissing on himself.
David walked to the other far corner – to the barred door – where the sun seemed to be shining already.
The guy behind the steel desk – was reading a Louis L'Amour novel - Education of A Wandering Man. And so trying to be polite - for he didn’t know who he was dealing with - he said calmly . . .“Good morning. . sir”
He waited for a response – but the older fellow was too engrossed in his book – “Uh, sir - Say, uh, could you tell me what time it is and when I can get out of here?”
“What’s your name?” he said mechanically, not looking up from his book.
“Wells, sir – David Wells”
The guy just kept reading – so David knowing that this guy had his ass in his hands waited impatiently.
“Good book?” David asked – putting his face in between the bars and leaning on the door to get a bit closer and using his best salesman’s voice projection and inflection as if he really gave a shit but actually was just attempting to break the guy’s attention.
“Uh, yeah it is, actually – sorry what did you say your name was?” – this time the guy looked up from his novel - the light from the outside door behind him framed him in a sort of aura as he looked David right in the eyes – and for a split second David felt they connected like two normal humans – not two guys on the opposite sides of steel painted bars in a drunk tank, in Dallas, in June – but just two people who kind of liked each other at first glance – like two men passing on the street who look, don’t say anything, nod that man’s nod and smile, never to see each other again in their whole lives – like two men in a locker room who don’t know one another and say “Hi” and smile respectfully – there they were, two men alive in the same time in the same place – and the bars between them disappeared – and David felt warmly understood and relaxed a bit.
“Wells – David Wells” smiling now at the kind stranger.
“Yeah – Wells – Ok - yeah.”
The man looked into a drawer and pulled out a spiral notebook and opened it.
David looked around this man’s world – he saw the small 10 by 10 gray concrete room with the 20 by 20 gray concrete lobby with the chrome red and blue plastic benches – the official notices on the walls – the two soda machines – the steel gray desk with the phone and the door to his freedom - and above the kind man was the clock which said 6:14 am
Time seemed to stop for David for a moment – he semi-consciously stared at his friendly jailer and thought “shit if I won the lottery, man, I’d come back and give you $200 grand and tell you to get the hell out of here – so you wouldn’t have to sit here in this concrete room and deal with low life drunk losers everyday – he felt the sun shinning in – and it felt so good to just know it was out there – the cars that drove past seemed so free and beckoned him to leap out, jump in and come with them so they could take him home – yeah home – yeah my home he thought – and he thought of Susan – she must be sleeping right now all cuddled up in their big king size bed - under the warm covers and the boys too – yeah they are asleep - everyone was peacefully resting safely at home – yeah our home.
“Hey mister – back up from the bars – can’t you read the sign – no leaning on the bars – back up now – HEY” . . . the gate keeper said harshly.
David snapped out of his hangover reverie – his new found friend just yelled at him – “HEY - backup from the bars – are you deaf?”
David’s feelings were hurt – “Screw you" he thought – "no $200 grand for you – you nasty old fart – you can just rot here for all I care." He let go of the bars and backed up restraining any facial attitude.
“OK – Wells, David – you were brought in at 12:26 am – so you can get out at 12:26 pm”
The Dallas county drunk tank, like most drunk tanks, is different from jail. If you are booked and put into the county jail you are usually charged with a crime – you are photographed and fingerprinted and given one call for your lawyer or a bail bondsman. And you usually have to spend time until you can raise a bond. This could be for DUI, assault, or a myriad of other misdemeanors and the same goes if it was a felony. The drunk tank is the county’s way of saying “look – neither one of us can afford to make a big deal out of this and we’re not going to house and feed you – you got drunk – you embarrassed yourself in some way in public and someone called the police to come and get you before you hurt yourself or anyone else - we’re letting you sleep it off for 12 hours – and then you can leave – no ticket – no fines – just a note in a file somewhere in a database to never show up again. And the message is: “pay attention this is a warning that your drinking behavior is unacceptable for public consumption”
“So you say I can get out at 12:26 pm – thanks” he started to walk away.
“HEY Wait a minute - 12:26 pm? - - - hey man I have to catch a plane to Michigan at 2 and I need to get back to my hotel and pack”
“Sorry thems the rules – 12 hours in and then you can get out”
“Can I make a call?”
“Nope – at 12:26 pm I’ll let you out and you can go about your business.”
The noise – what the hell was that noise? And the smell – god damn - what the hell is that smell?
“Jesus” – he shouted angrily - the god damn noise – “Hey – would you guys shut the fuck up”
David Wells was not having a good morning.
“HEY” he yelled as he sat up right, banging his head on the springs of the bunk above him.
“God fucking damn it – what the fuck” – he said, falling back down rubbing his head feeling for any blood.
“Hey guess who’s up? – It’s the great white hope. Hey, home boy, you gunna kick some ass? – or are you gunna puke some more” - the two of them were laughing. He’d heard them talking all night as he tried to sleep - he hated their guts.
He wanted to yell at them again – but his mouth was too dry and he still couldn’t open his left eye – all he really wanted to do was sleep . . to sleep . . to not think and especially to not remember – not now.
He fell back down on his plastic mattress and passed into semi-sleep again – curling up into an almost fetal position – rumpling and tucking his Armani sport jacket under his head for a pillow.
The drunk tank of the Dallas county jail was a nasty place at 4:30 am on a Thursday in late June. Hell it was a nasty place 24/7/365. And today it was already hot. It smelled of vomit, shit and piss. And the swamp coolers – all the swamp coolers did was make loud grinding noises – and they didn’t put out much cool air.
“The tank” was about 40 feet by 80 feet, a gray painted concrete floor and walled sterile room – with 4 – 3 foot by 3 foot barred translucent wire enmeshed windows up next to the 15 foot ceiling at the far end near the barred door. There were dim 2 foot long stainless steel encased florescent lights alcoved along the wall and ceiling intersections every 10 feet. It could house up to 90 inmates in the dormer style sleeping area on 45 steel bunk beds with 2 inch plastic mattresses - and 120 if it was a bad night. But last night it was a light night there were only 32 – 15 blacks, 9 Hispanics, 8 whites.
David Wells never wanted to awake again – and he couldn’t remember why. As he lightly dozed his mind kept reviewing “the big deal” like a nightmare – never getting to the ending - just going over and over and over the same images of almost getting the check, talking and talking and talking – but not getting the check - and then there were the images in the biker bar and the fight. “Fuck the fight – god damn the fight – that was so stupid”.
He had to piss now – and sleep – sleep wasn’t going to happen until he pissed.
He sat up - again banging his head on the bunk above – “FUCK” he yelled.
“Hey dude shut the fuck up I’m trying to sleep” yelled a guy in a bunk three rows away.
The two Hispanics laughed – saying in Spanish “este hue esta chingado al huevo” – (this mother fucker is really messed up)
“Hey man where’s the toilet” he asked politely of one the Hispanics. They pointed to the far corner of the room.
David moved from one bunk to the next – holding onto the metal frames to steady his walk.
When he got to the corner there was an 8 foot long stainless steel urinal – 3 stainless steel toilets and 3 stainless steel sinks with stainless steel mirrors above them.
He stood with one hand against the wall to keep himself steady as he urinated. Now that was the only thing so far this morning that felt good. No, it felt great – oh man, it felt great.
He moved to the sink and pushed the stainless steel water button in the wall where only cold water came out – As he washed his hands and splashed water on his face - it was then he felt the blood and the bruise to his left eye. “Oh – shit” he said out loud
“God damn it, David – this is really bad, man – and shit - not this week – not this week. You are such an asshole - fuck”
“SHIT” he yelled at the mirror as he felt the bruise.
The reflection wasn’t that clear – The polished steel didn’t give the fine details – but as he splashed water on his face washing off the encrusted blood – he could see that the cut was superficial – above the eye – more of a deep scrape than a cut. But the side of his face was pretty swollen. He felt relieved though to know that in a few days it wouldn’t really be that noticeable – besides he could say it happened in a racquetball game while with Henderson or the attorney at the club.
Yeah – that’s it – yeah – a warrior’s badge of courage while fighting for the money he and his company had earned.
Now he needed to get himself back to the bed and sleep for a few hours and then get the hell out of there.
“Hey man what time is it?”
“Shit, bro, I don’t know - ask the guy at the front desk”. – said a longhaired biker wearing a black sleveless leather vest, he recognized vaguely, standing next to the urinal, swaying and pissing on himself.
David walked to the other far corner – to the barred door – where the sun seemed to be shining already.
The guy behind the steel desk – was reading a Louis L'Amour novel - Education of A Wandering Man. And so trying to be polite - for he didn’t know who he was dealing with - he said calmly . . .“Good morning. . sir”
He waited for a response – but the older fellow was too engrossed in his book – “Uh, sir - Say, uh, could you tell me what time it is and when I can get out of here?”
“What’s your name?” he said mechanically, not looking up from his book.
“Wells, sir – David Wells”
The guy just kept reading – so David knowing that this guy had his ass in his hands waited impatiently.
“Good book?” David asked – putting his face in between the bars and leaning on the door to get a bit closer and using his best salesman’s voice projection and inflection as if he really gave a shit but actually was just attempting to break the guy’s attention.
“Uh, yeah it is, actually – sorry what did you say your name was?” – this time the guy looked up from his novel - the light from the outside door behind him framed him in a sort of aura as he looked David right in the eyes – and for a split second David felt they connected like two normal humans – not two guys on the opposite sides of steel painted bars in a drunk tank, in Dallas, in June – but just two people who kind of liked each other at first glance – like two men passing on the street who look, don’t say anything, nod that man’s nod and smile, never to see each other again in their whole lives – like two men in a locker room who don’t know one another and say “Hi” and smile respectfully – there they were, two men alive in the same time in the same place – and the bars between them disappeared – and David felt warmly understood and relaxed a bit.
“Wells – David Wells” smiling now at the kind stranger.
“Yeah – Wells – Ok - yeah.”
The man looked into a drawer and pulled out a spiral notebook and opened it.
David looked around this man’s world – he saw the small 10 by 10 gray concrete room with the 20 by 20 gray concrete lobby with the chrome red and blue plastic benches – the official notices on the walls – the two soda machines – the steel gray desk with the phone and the door to his freedom - and above the kind man was the clock which said 6:14 am
Time seemed to stop for David for a moment – he semi-consciously stared at his friendly jailer and thought “shit if I won the lottery, man, I’d come back and give you $200 grand and tell you to get the hell out of here – so you wouldn’t have to sit here in this concrete room and deal with low life drunk losers everyday – he felt the sun shinning in – and it felt so good to just know it was out there – the cars that drove past seemed so free and beckoned him to leap out, jump in and come with them so they could take him home – yeah home – yeah my home he thought – and he thought of Susan – she must be sleeping right now all cuddled up in their big king size bed - under the warm covers and the boys too – yeah they are asleep - everyone was peacefully resting safely at home – yeah our home.
“Hey mister – back up from the bars – can’t you read the sign – no leaning on the bars – back up now – HEY” . . . the gate keeper said harshly.
David snapped out of his hangover reverie – his new found friend just yelled at him – “HEY - backup from the bars – are you deaf?”
David’s feelings were hurt – “Screw you" he thought – "no $200 grand for you – you nasty old fart – you can just rot here for all I care." He let go of the bars and backed up restraining any facial attitude.
“OK – Wells, David – you were brought in at 12:26 am – so you can get out at 12:26 pm”
The Dallas county drunk tank, like most drunk tanks, is different from jail. If you are booked and put into the county jail you are usually charged with a crime – you are photographed and fingerprinted and given one call for your lawyer or a bail bondsman. And you usually have to spend time until you can raise a bond. This could be for DUI, assault, or a myriad of other misdemeanors and the same goes if it was a felony. The drunk tank is the county’s way of saying “look – neither one of us can afford to make a big deal out of this and we’re not going to house and feed you – you got drunk – you embarrassed yourself in some way in public and someone called the police to come and get you before you hurt yourself or anyone else - we’re letting you sleep it off for 12 hours – and then you can leave – no ticket – no fines – just a note in a file somewhere in a database to never show up again. And the message is: “pay attention this is a warning that your drinking behavior is unacceptable for public consumption”
“So you say I can get out at 12:26 pm – thanks” he started to walk away.
“HEY Wait a minute - 12:26 pm? - - - hey man I have to catch a plane to Michigan at 2 and I need to get back to my hotel and pack”
“Sorry thems the rules – 12 hours in and then you can get out”
“Can I make a call?”
“Nope – at 12:26 pm I’ll let you out and you can go about your business.”
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:14 PM
CHAPTER 2
At home, in Traverse City, the boys were safe and they were asleep and Susan Wells was in bed and was under the covers in their king size bed all cuddled up at 7:14 am, Michigan time – 6:14 am Dallas time – but she was not asleep. She had not slept for most of the night. She did not feel safe. She was worried sick about where David was. And this was not unusual lately.
She had talked to David yesterday at lunch time. He said he would call her from the hotel when he got back about 10 Dallas time. He said that he had just finished playing a round of golf with Jack Henderson, Billy Gent and Tom Sorenson they were “sealing the big deal” – doting the i’s and crossing the t’s and not to worry - it’s in the bag - a slam dunk. And that they might go out for a drink after dinner to celebrate but he’d call and let her know first how it went.
She had left a steamy and loving message on his cell phone about 9 anticipating his call in an hour – telling him that he is such a stud and that she couldn’t wait for him to get home so she could ride him like a Texas bucking bronco – it made her giggle and almost blush just to say that.
But now all she could only imagine is that he’s hurt somewhere – lying in an alley, mugged by some street person and they took the deposit check – those thoughts seemed crazy but it just wasn’t like him to not call her and let her know where he was – she hated that – he only did that when he was out with his brothers talking business and he would just loose track of time and forget or when he was out with his old college buds and they got too drunk - she hated to talk to him when he was drunk – it made her angry, very angry – so they’d agreed he’d never call when he’d drank too much. But that couldn’t be it – he couldn’t have gotten too drunk – he was with that wealthy Texan, that Henderson man who only drank red wine. And besides he said he’d call when he got back to his room because he knows how she worries when he drinks lately.
She was terrified, she just couldn’t help it, something felt very wrong, - since 11:30 she had left messages on his cell and at the hotel – it seemed lately it was always her weakness to be unreasonably afraid – she never used to be that way – but some how over the last 4 years since MFI was launched and David, Robert and Richard were now on their own using their homes as collateral for all of the business loans – this big deal deposit was promised by David to pay off the 2nd and 3rd mortgage loans on the house - she had just become less secure and less certain of her instincts lately – her confidence in her own decisions and in those instincts; that David used to call “a fine woman’s intuition “ - those instincts that David consulted and trusted in her to share with him over the years when she had doubts or questions – but recently her feelings seemed to be too intense – and she wasn’t sleeping well - so she agreed to talk to a doctor - and the doctor had said that she was having a tendency to over exaggerate and she just needed to calm down – so the doctor had prescribed those pills - she hated those pills, because they made her feel funny, and she didn’t like that feeling – and sometimes during the day she’d feel even more anxious and then later those pills would make her feel confused and numb.
But her just wanting to hear from David had exhausted her so now all she wanted was to stop the anxiety, stop the thinking, stop the images - so she had taken 2 more of those pills about 2 hours ago and now sleep seemed like a good idea - so at 7:15 am Susan Wells fell asleep - she fell into a dreamless and worry free sleep.
She had talked to David yesterday at lunch time. He said he would call her from the hotel when he got back about 10 Dallas time. He said that he had just finished playing a round of golf with Jack Henderson, Billy Gent and Tom Sorenson they were “sealing the big deal” – doting the i’s and crossing the t’s and not to worry - it’s in the bag - a slam dunk. And that they might go out for a drink after dinner to celebrate but he’d call and let her know first how it went.
She had left a steamy and loving message on his cell phone about 9 anticipating his call in an hour – telling him that he is such a stud and that she couldn’t wait for him to get home so she could ride him like a Texas bucking bronco – it made her giggle and almost blush just to say that.
But now all she could only imagine is that he’s hurt somewhere – lying in an alley, mugged by some street person and they took the deposit check – those thoughts seemed crazy but it just wasn’t like him to not call her and let her know where he was – she hated that – he only did that when he was out with his brothers talking business and he would just loose track of time and forget or when he was out with his old college buds and they got too drunk - she hated to talk to him when he was drunk – it made her angry, very angry – so they’d agreed he’d never call when he’d drank too much. But that couldn’t be it – he couldn’t have gotten too drunk – he was with that wealthy Texan, that Henderson man who only drank red wine. And besides he said he’d call when he got back to his room because he knows how she worries when he drinks lately.
She was terrified, she just couldn’t help it, something felt very wrong, - since 11:30 she had left messages on his cell and at the hotel – it seemed lately it was always her weakness to be unreasonably afraid – she never used to be that way – but some how over the last 4 years since MFI was launched and David, Robert and Richard were now on their own using their homes as collateral for all of the business loans – this big deal deposit was promised by David to pay off the 2nd and 3rd mortgage loans on the house - she had just become less secure and less certain of her instincts lately – her confidence in her own decisions and in those instincts; that David used to call “a fine woman’s intuition “ - those instincts that David consulted and trusted in her to share with him over the years when she had doubts or questions – but recently her feelings seemed to be too intense – and she wasn’t sleeping well - so she agreed to talk to a doctor - and the doctor had said that she was having a tendency to over exaggerate and she just needed to calm down – so the doctor had prescribed those pills - she hated those pills, because they made her feel funny, and she didn’t like that feeling – and sometimes during the day she’d feel even more anxious and then later those pills would make her feel confused and numb.
But her just wanting to hear from David had exhausted her so now all she wanted was to stop the anxiety, stop the thinking, stop the images - so she had taken 2 more of those pills about 2 hours ago and now sleep seemed like a good idea - so at 7:15 am Susan Wells fell asleep - she fell into a dreamless and worry free sleep.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:13 PM
CHAPTER 3
“Grand Traverse Bay at 7:16 am Michigan time is beautiful” - he thought - as he looked forward to the sound of the waves hitting the shore - the sound of his feet hitting the sand and the smell of the fresh cool air pulsing in his nostrils as he would run along the beaches as he has done 4 days a week for the last 4 years - during spring, summer and fall.
Robert Wells was having a good morning.
No, it wasn’t a good morning it was an exceptional morning. And today was going to be an exceptional day.
It was going to be an exceptional day because today Robert Wells’ brother David, was arriving at 10 pm Michigan time, bringing a check for $750,000 made out to MFI (Michigan Foods Inc., LLC.) - and those funds were destined for himself, David and their older brother Richard.
“Yeah baby - that’s $250,000 each” - he reminded himself.
And by 10:30 pm Michigan time he and David would be having beers, and whatever, at their own Family Restaurant and Sports bar - The Lions - in downtown TC.
“Yes siree, it was going to be a wild and crazy night - and maybe they’d even invite their wives and . . . maybe not” - Robert laughed to himself - his mind was in hyper drive.
Robert, David and Richard had been planning and developing their restaurant franchise business and dreaming of this day for 18 months.
Tomorrow Robert and his brothers would be going to the Empire Bank - where all three of them would be paying off $630,000 in 2nd and 3rd trust deeds that they had borrowed against their homes to capitalize MFI's expansion - over these last 4 years - to develop their franchise models: The Lions - Famliy Restaurants and Sports Bars - in northern and western Michigan.
And that check, as agreed, also meant they each would be pocketing a cool $20,000 plus each after all the loans, fees and taxes were paid off.
“Oh man - what a relief” Robert thought. “It has been too long - way too long. Thank God it is over”
Yes indeed it was a good day - as Robert hit the beach on his 10 mile run heading for his goal of 40 miles for the week - his mind quickly reviewed the last 18 months.
Yes - David - his aggressive brother - his beautiful, smart and balls to the walls little brother - the crazy brother - the one who found, recruited, hired and trained - the very talented and very rich Billy Gent - the Michigan State Suma Cum Laude MBA, - the grand son-in-law of John Henderson - the Texas oil multi millionaire . . . MFI’s first franchisees in Texas. And with that $750,000 check - Henderson had just committed to invest $21 Million - $6 million cash and $15 million in credit - to build 4 state of the art Family Restaurants and Sports Bars in 3 Texas cities - 2 in Dallas / Fort Worth, 1 in Austin and 1 in Huston - all in the next 60 months - modeled after MFI’s - very successful The Lions - Family Restaurants and Sports Bars
“Oh man” he thought
After 6 miles Robert had to stop running for a minute and just take it all in.
He fell on the sand - rolling on his back - in a fit of laughter and relief.
It was finally happening
“Thank you universe” Robert said out loud
“THANK YOU” he shouted at the top of his lungs.
“WOOOOOO WEE” he whooped .
Sitting on the beach, gazing out onto the crystal clear bay water, feeling the warm summer air - and gently wrapping his arms around his knees at 8:06 am Michigan time - Robert Wells, CFO of MFI - just took it all in.
Robert Wells was having a good morning.
No, it wasn’t a good morning it was an exceptional morning. And today was going to be an exceptional day.
It was going to be an exceptional day because today Robert Wells’ brother David, was arriving at 10 pm Michigan time, bringing a check for $750,000 made out to MFI (Michigan Foods Inc., LLC.) - and those funds were destined for himself, David and their older brother Richard.
“Yeah baby - that’s $250,000 each” - he reminded himself.
And by 10:30 pm Michigan time he and David would be having beers, and whatever, at their own Family Restaurant and Sports bar - The Lions - in downtown TC.
“Yes siree, it was going to be a wild and crazy night - and maybe they’d even invite their wives and . . . maybe not” - Robert laughed to himself - his mind was in hyper drive.
Robert, David and Richard had been planning and developing their restaurant franchise business and dreaming of this day for 18 months.
Tomorrow Robert and his brothers would be going to the Empire Bank - where all three of them would be paying off $630,000 in 2nd and 3rd trust deeds that they had borrowed against their homes to capitalize MFI's expansion - over these last 4 years - to develop their franchise models: The Lions - Famliy Restaurants and Sports Bars - in northern and western Michigan.
And that check, as agreed, also meant they each would be pocketing a cool $20,000 plus each after all the loans, fees and taxes were paid off.
“Oh man - what a relief” Robert thought. “It has been too long - way too long. Thank God it is over”
Yes indeed it was a good day - as Robert hit the beach on his 10 mile run heading for his goal of 40 miles for the week - his mind quickly reviewed the last 18 months.
Yes - David - his aggressive brother - his beautiful, smart and balls to the walls little brother - the crazy brother - the one who found, recruited, hired and trained - the very talented and very rich Billy Gent - the Michigan State Suma Cum Laude MBA, - the grand son-in-law of John Henderson - the Texas oil multi millionaire . . . MFI’s first franchisees in Texas. And with that $750,000 check - Henderson had just committed to invest $21 Million - $6 million cash and $15 million in credit - to build 4 state of the art Family Restaurants and Sports Bars in 3 Texas cities - 2 in Dallas / Fort Worth, 1 in Austin and 1 in Huston - all in the next 60 months - modeled after MFI’s - very successful The Lions - Family Restaurants and Sports Bars
“Oh man” he thought
After 6 miles Robert had to stop running for a minute and just take it all in.
He fell on the sand - rolling on his back - in a fit of laughter and relief.
It was finally happening
“Thank you universe” Robert said out loud
“THANK YOU” he shouted at the top of his lungs.
“WOOOOOO WEE” he whooped .
Sitting on the beach, gazing out onto the crystal clear bay water, feeling the warm summer air - and gently wrapping his arms around his knees at 8:06 am Michigan time - Robert Wells, CFO of MFI - just took it all in.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:12 PM
CHAPTER 5
At 11:30 David got up and went to the sink area and attempted to wash and clean himself.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:01 PM
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CHAPTER 18
The intervention was scheduled for 11 am on Saturday. Richard would invite David to play an early round of Golf at the Traverse City Country Club and they would be home no earlier than 11.
As they pulled into the drive David noticed all of the cars and his first thought was “Whose birthday is it? – It’s not mine – I’m in September”
“What the hell is going on Richard – do you know – why all the cars here?” David asked – still looking at each car; Chuck Harris, Sara, Stacy, Rachael - shit even Bill Dobbs
When they walked through the front door David could see the living room had been turned around a bit – then he saw Stacy, Susan, Ronny, Nate, a man he did not know, Rachael, Sara, Chuck Harris – his best friend and Bill Dobbs all were sitting around the living room in a circle.
“Hey - wow – what are you guys doing – having a Tupperware Party?” David joked.
Then he stopped – “Oh shit, who died?” and he was serious.
Then the man he did not know stood up and introduced himself.
“David, I’m Ron Barry – I am an intervention counselor – I have been asked by your family and your friends to arrange this opportunity for you to examine your drinking and to listen to each of them so they can tell you how your drinking and your behavior has been affecting their lives”
David was stunned – he couldn’t talk – He turned to Richard and said – “This is a joke right?”
“No, David – this isn’t a joke’ – Richard responded sharply, and turned and walked away, as he had been instructed, and sat down next to Stacy.
David looked around – no one was speaking . . .
“Shit . . . you’ve got to be kidding? My drinking? Come on – Jesus - what . . . because I forget what I have done a few times – cause sometimes I talk loud or get a bit nuts and stay out late - fall asleep on the lawn – MY LAWN – hey who do you think pays for all of this stuff you are sitting on – who do you think . .” - - he stopped - - “this is bull shit – you guys can have your intervention but I’m not having anything to do with it” and he walked into the kitchen
Ron spoke to everyone – “Now listen – remember - this is one of the reactions I told you could happen – you need to stay around and do not say anything to David - this may take a while - I will call you back if and when he is ready – if you need to go the bath room do it now – Susan come with me.”
Ron and Susan walked into the kitchen – David had just opened a beer and had half of it down by the time Ron Spoke.
“David . . ” – Ron stopped – “David you don’t know me - and I don’t want this to sound presumptuous – but I understand you David - I am just like you . . . what I mean . . .” - he started to speak again but he could see that David was shaking and tears were starting to whelm up in his eyes.
“Oh yeah” David said glaring at the stranger – “you don’t understand me - you don't even fucking know me, man – you have never seen me before” – he took another big gulp of his beer and finished it and opened the refrigerator door and pulled out another.
“Shit – I am not doing this. – You think you are going to make me feel guilty, embarrass me – having all of my family and friends come over here – listen man”– David stopped –
“What’s your name?” David asked
“Ron”
“Listen Ron – I like to drink from time to time – it relaxes me – I have fun with it and sure there have been times when I can say that my behavior has been out of line but – but ask Susan, she can tell you – I can stop when I want - hell I did it right before the family 4th – you remember - tell him Susan” – (he knew he just lied – but what do they know? no one knew)
“And Susan, you and I have been having our talks about this - and hell - - - I thought we had an agreement - - - I thought we agreed that I could drink as long as it wasn’t a problem” – and then David’s voice became intense - “Oh I get it - you and this Alanon shit - those bitches put you up to this didn’t they?” - He moved toward her aggressively. – Susan stood her ground, staring right back at David and remaining silent as Ron had instructed.
“Oh, come on honey – I can’t do this – I just can’t” David said
“You guys can do what ever you want – but I’m not coming in that room.” He walked over to the corner and looked out of the patio door on to the back lawn.
Ron turned to Susan and said – “Susan, please let David and I have a moment.”
Susan returned to the living room - visibly shaken and trying not to show it - but the tears were flowing silently – as she sat down.
Stacy looked over to her and whispered – “Susie, you can do this - we are here for you.”
Ronny said loudly – “I don’t like this – this isn’t fair – Dad isn’t a drunk and I’m sorry I said it” –
Susan said – “Sweetie, come on over here – it’s ok.
Ronny sat up, folded his arms tightly and said “No, I’m ok mom – I can do this – I just don’t like it. And I’m mad at myself for telling dad he’s a drunk.”
Ron said to David – “Let’s go out on the deck for a minute – I need to tell you what is happening here from my point of view. And I also will make this commitment to you now – if after we talk - and you are clear as to the situation - and you want me to leave I will – I will go in the living room get my things and walk right out that front door and you will never see me again – but I want you to just listen to me David – OK?
“Shit” – David was beginning to sense the mass of seriousness this moment had for his family – and deep down inside, almost conscious, but not yet - was a feeling of relief – but not yet.
“Ok – sure – but I’m gunna get another beer – this is really pissing me off”
“Sure – no problem” Ron said
David went to the refrigerator and opened it up - but as he reached for the beer – he hesitated - for the first time - in the moment - he could see himself – he could see and feel and remember the thousands of times he had opened that door – he felt that joyful feeling of what opening that door meant to him – the sense of relief that he knew was inside that door - and what that feeling was - what reaching and holding that cold beer felt like – but in this moment he had stopped – almost frozen in time - ever so briefly like a passing car - he could see his defiance – he felt his attitude of almost disregard and unclear thought – but then it was all gone.
“Shit man – oh shit – I just can’t keep doing this - this isn’t right” he thought briefly.
He left the beer, closed the refrigerator and walked to the deck and Ron.
But then two steps before the door he stopped and said “This is all bullshit” and he turned – guzzled down the beer he had in his hand and went right back to the frig and took out one more – thinking “I’ll drink this - I’ll listen to this Ron guy and go to the living room and get this over with”
When David got out on to the porch he said – “Ok man let’s go – I’ll listen and we’ll just get this over with. So come on.”
Ron said calmly – "If you don’t mind David, I’d just like to slow down a bit . . . sit out here with you for a minute and calm down – I’m a bit nervous too."
“Want a beer?” David laughed
“Yeah.” Ron said – “but actually scotch is my drink of choice.”
“Really? You want a glass of scotch?" David asked half serious.
“Hell yeah I do – from time to time - I’d love to be able to just sit back and have a drink of Johnnie Walker on the rocks.” Ron said - with a dreamy look in his eyes.
“Well I don’t have any Johnnie Walker – but I have some Dewar’s – never drink the stuff my self – hate it”. David said.
“But you see, David – I don’t want one glass I want 10 glasses.” Ron said.
“I know what you mean.” – said David
“You know what I miss though?” – said Ron.
“What?” said David
“I miss the sound of the ice cubes hitting the glass – you know that sound - that crystal ringing sound – it was part of the foreplay of my drinking – and then I’d pour my Black on them and as I drank I’d slightly shake the glass so I could hear that sound – yeah . . . I miss that.” Ron reminised.
David – was silent – he had never heard anyone talk about his drinking with such a feeling of romance for alcohol.
“But, you don’t drink anymore do you - right?” David asked
No – David – it’s been 22 years now.
“What! 22 years without even a sip – Oh, come on man – that’s hard to believe.” David said
“Yeah, 22 years.” Ron said
They sat there – in silence – David hadn’t taken even a sip of his beer.
He wandered off somewhere – the wind from the bay brought the smell of fall and the trees and their leaves rustled. David looked up as the sun shone through the autumn colored branches resting on his face – he gave his face to the rays and slowly closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Ron looked at David, and his thoughts went to God - and a prayer came to his heart asking God for the strength help him and David now in this moment – he closed his eyes too.
Time stood still for Ron and David – there was peace and serenity in the space.
After a few minutes David spoke – “Ok Ron, tell me – what is happening?
“David - I am going to say some things to you - and well - they may seem harsh and cruel and disrespectful - But, what I want you to know is that - I do know you - I know you as one like myself David - and you are sick. You are an alcoholic and you are sick. Do you know that?” Ron asked.
“No!!” David said with a humph in his voice. – “I don’t think I am an alcoholic – I mean, come on man – alcoholics – sleep under bridges – they carry their cheap wine around in a brown paper bags – they get multiple DUI’s, they beat their wives – and abuse their kids. I don’t do any of that.” David said.
“I do agree from time to time I drink too much – but I’m not an alcoholic Ron.” David replied.
“David” Ron said “Let me ask you 20 questions and then I’ll tell you what is waiting for you there in your living room”.
“Ok – Shoot – do I get extra credit if I get them all right?” David said jokingly
“Well, not too many get 100 % but if you do – I’ll be shocked.” Ron said
“So David:
"Do you lose time from work due to drinking?"
“You mean, have I stayed home because of a hangover? – Ok yeah.”
"Is drinking making your home life unhappy?"
“To Susan it is" Said David
“How about the boys and Richard?” Asked Ron
“Ok – yeah” David admitted.
"Have you ever felt nervous and wanted a drink to calm you down?"
“Sure – OK – yes on that one”
"Is drinking affecting your reputation?"
“How do I know? I know Richard is pissed" – but then he thought of the bankers meeting when Rick Stackhouse commented “off the record” that the couple of the guys were hesitant on the last loan because of roomers of his Family 4th event about both him and Robert – passing out on the lawn – the drunk tank – the last 5 family 4ths – he stopped there.
“Ok – yes.”
"Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?"
“Yes”
"Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?"
He remembered the biker bar and the fight - he liked those places, they were bizarre , crazy fun.
"Yep" - he said drifting off
"Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?"
He thought of Ronny and Nate’s football games he missed this fall - how Ronny was so upset when he came to the first game of the season drunk.
"Ok - yes"
“How am I doing so far?” David sarcastically jokes - submitting to the obvious and feeling lighlty amused.
“I think you are getting an A so far.” Ron said
“A like in Alcoholic, Ron?” Both David and Ron chuckled lightly.
"Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?"
He thought of the Dallas drunk tank fiasco - but he knew only he and Robert were aware of the real details.
"No." - he lied.
"Has your ambition decreased since drinking?"
"No, not that I’m aware of"
"Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?"
"You mean – like every night? - No"
"Do you drink because you are shy with other people?"
“Na – I like to drink at parties and with business associates – but I’m a pretty naturally confident, agressive and outgoing guy.” David clarified
"Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?"
“No”
"Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?"
“What do you mean?”
“Well have you been less effective at work.” Ron clarified
“Hell no – if anything – I get ballzier, take more risks, think outside the box and push for projects which sometimes my brothers will sit on when I have a few. - So, no.”
"Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?"
"No – I don’t think so."
“Alright - I think I’m gunna get a C, Ron” - David joked
"Do you want a drink the next morning?"
“Well, hell yea, if I drank too much – a few beers helps take the edge off - ya know - hair of the dog.”
"So, yes."
"Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?"
"Well duh! – me and 100 million other people drink after work sometimes and on TGIF days – So yeah - but I’m not alone on that"
"Do you drink alone?"
"No – not really - well there have been a few times"
“So – no – not my usual style.”
"Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?"
"uh yeahhh – that has happened to me more than I would like lately - but shit almost everyone I know who drinks has had that one from time to time.” - he justifies
'Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?"
“No”
"Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?"
“No - Ok – yeah.” he admitted.
"Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?"
“No.”
"So, no jail or drunk tanks?" Ron asked
“How did you hear about that - shit, did Susan tell you everything?”
“Ok, yes.” David admitted
“Well, by my count you answered yes to 12 and maybe to 3” Stated Ron
“Yeah, and what does that tell you?” David asked.
“Well, these test questions are used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital in Baltimore and health professionals to help them in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic.” Ron explained.
“If you answered yes to one of the questions, this is a warning that you may be an alcoholic. If you answered yes to any two, there's a good chance that you are an alcoholic. If you answered yes to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.” Ron stopped.
David – was listening and waiting for more – Ron waited
“So - you are saying that Johns Hopkins says I’m an alcoholic – right?” David half kidding inquired.
“David – your family is very worried about you – they love you, but your behavior when you drink is causing them to feel afraid - and from what they have told me - well frankly they feel upset almost constantly now - they can't trust you and what you'll say or do and they cannot continue to live with you if you do not choose to stop your drinking - and I don’t mean slow down, David, or change pace or change types of alcohol – I mean stop completely and permanently.” Ron Said
“What are you saying?” David stared intensely at Ron and standing up. “Are you saying that Susan and the boys are not going to live with me - what are you saying?” David asked.
“David – here is what is waiting for you in your living room – your friends and family need to tell you how they feel about you – how they feel about your drinking and how your drinking behavior effects them. Can you go back in there an allow them to do that?” Ron asked.
David who still hadn’t taken a sip of his beer for the last 10 minutes – paused – now he took a sip – semi-consciously.
“And, if I won’t?” He asked.
“David – do you love your family and those friends in there?” Ron asked.
“Come on Ron – don’t bate me like that– of course I love my family.” David said
“Look David, - this is the hard part – you know Susan has been talking to you about your drinking for several years, right? And about 2 months ago she got off of the anxiety medicine the doctor gave her and started to go to Alanon - Right?” Ron asked
“Yes” David responded, looking down - starting to feel that new strange feeling of something is coming - something . . . he wanted it . . . - he instictively took a deep pull on his beer closing his eyes - taking a deep breath w an ever so soft moan of release
“David, . . . I have to tell you that this type of intervention most of the time doesn’t really work.” Ron said.
“What do you mean?” David asked
“Well, Susan and Richard and Ronny and Sara have told you many times that your drinking has been bothering them - Right?” Ron asked
“Yes.”
Ron continued. “Listen David – today’s type of intervention is where you did not know this was going to happen – and maybe you feel . . . well - ambushed”
“Maybe?” David exclaimed.– “I am ambushed, Ron”
“Ok – but Susan’s, or Richard’s or Sara’s talking to you has not changed you - and all of the evidence that you are an alcoholic has not changed you.” Ron restated.
“Hey look Ron – you are calling me an alcoholic and I am not agreeing on that.” David objected.
“Ok – Ok – look - is it true of you, that you are not really listening to them and stopping your drinking?” Ron asked
“Yes” – David said.
“And is it also true - you do not want to stop - do you?" Ron said clearly.
“Well - truthfully?” David hesitated “No, I don’t.”
“So – well – David – look” Ron gathered his thoughts – “. . . sometimes in an intervention the alcoholic is in on the intervention session - but today is your family’s last attempt to help you understand the seriousness of your drinking to them. And now you can choose to either go in there and allow your loved ones to talk to you - or not.” He said
“What will it be?” - Ron asked.
As they pulled into the drive David noticed all of the cars and his first thought was “Whose birthday is it? – It’s not mine – I’m in September”
“What the hell is going on Richard – do you know – why all the cars here?” David asked – still looking at each car; Chuck Harris, Sara, Stacy, Rachael - shit even Bill Dobbs
When they walked through the front door David could see the living room had been turned around a bit – then he saw Stacy, Susan, Ronny, Nate, a man he did not know, Rachael, Sara, Chuck Harris – his best friend and Bill Dobbs all were sitting around the living room in a circle.
“Hey - wow – what are you guys doing – having a Tupperware Party?” David joked.
Then he stopped – “Oh shit, who died?” and he was serious.
Then the man he did not know stood up and introduced himself.
“David, I’m Ron Barry – I am an intervention counselor – I have been asked by your family and your friends to arrange this opportunity for you to examine your drinking and to listen to each of them so they can tell you how your drinking and your behavior has been affecting their lives”
David was stunned – he couldn’t talk – He turned to Richard and said – “This is a joke right?”
“No, David – this isn’t a joke’ – Richard responded sharply, and turned and walked away, as he had been instructed, and sat down next to Stacy.
David looked around – no one was speaking . . .
“Shit . . . you’ve got to be kidding? My drinking? Come on – Jesus - what . . . because I forget what I have done a few times – cause sometimes I talk loud or get a bit nuts and stay out late - fall asleep on the lawn – MY LAWN – hey who do you think pays for all of this stuff you are sitting on – who do you think . .” - - he stopped - - “this is bull shit – you guys can have your intervention but I’m not having anything to do with it” and he walked into the kitchen
Ron spoke to everyone – “Now listen – remember - this is one of the reactions I told you could happen – you need to stay around and do not say anything to David - this may take a while - I will call you back if and when he is ready – if you need to go the bath room do it now – Susan come with me.”
Ron and Susan walked into the kitchen – David had just opened a beer and had half of it down by the time Ron Spoke.
“David . . ” – Ron stopped – “David you don’t know me - and I don’t want this to sound presumptuous – but I understand you David - I am just like you . . . what I mean . . .” - he started to speak again but he could see that David was shaking and tears were starting to whelm up in his eyes.
“Oh yeah” David said glaring at the stranger – “you don’t understand me - you don't even fucking know me, man – you have never seen me before” – he took another big gulp of his beer and finished it and opened the refrigerator door and pulled out another.
“Shit – I am not doing this. – You think you are going to make me feel guilty, embarrass me – having all of my family and friends come over here – listen man”– David stopped –
“What’s your name?” David asked
“Ron”
“Listen Ron – I like to drink from time to time – it relaxes me – I have fun with it and sure there have been times when I can say that my behavior has been out of line but – but ask Susan, she can tell you – I can stop when I want - hell I did it right before the family 4th – you remember - tell him Susan” – (he knew he just lied – but what do they know? no one knew)
“And Susan, you and I have been having our talks about this - and hell - - - I thought we had an agreement - - - I thought we agreed that I could drink as long as it wasn’t a problem” – and then David’s voice became intense - “Oh I get it - you and this Alanon shit - those bitches put you up to this didn’t they?” - He moved toward her aggressively. – Susan stood her ground, staring right back at David and remaining silent as Ron had instructed.
“Oh, come on honey – I can’t do this – I just can’t” David said
“You guys can do what ever you want – but I’m not coming in that room.” He walked over to the corner and looked out of the patio door on to the back lawn.
Ron turned to Susan and said – “Susan, please let David and I have a moment.”
Susan returned to the living room - visibly shaken and trying not to show it - but the tears were flowing silently – as she sat down.
Stacy looked over to her and whispered – “Susie, you can do this - we are here for you.”
Ronny said loudly – “I don’t like this – this isn’t fair – Dad isn’t a drunk and I’m sorry I said it” –
Susan said – “Sweetie, come on over here – it’s ok.
Ronny sat up, folded his arms tightly and said “No, I’m ok mom – I can do this – I just don’t like it. And I’m mad at myself for telling dad he’s a drunk.”
Ron said to David – “Let’s go out on the deck for a minute – I need to tell you what is happening here from my point of view. And I also will make this commitment to you now – if after we talk - and you are clear as to the situation - and you want me to leave I will – I will go in the living room get my things and walk right out that front door and you will never see me again – but I want you to just listen to me David – OK?
“Shit” – David was beginning to sense the mass of seriousness this moment had for his family – and deep down inside, almost conscious, but not yet - was a feeling of relief – but not yet.
“Ok – sure – but I’m gunna get another beer – this is really pissing me off”
“Sure – no problem” Ron said
David went to the refrigerator and opened it up - but as he reached for the beer – he hesitated - for the first time - in the moment - he could see himself – he could see and feel and remember the thousands of times he had opened that door – he felt that joyful feeling of what opening that door meant to him – the sense of relief that he knew was inside that door - and what that feeling was - what reaching and holding that cold beer felt like – but in this moment he had stopped – almost frozen in time - ever so briefly like a passing car - he could see his defiance – he felt his attitude of almost disregard and unclear thought – but then it was all gone.
“Shit man – oh shit – I just can’t keep doing this - this isn’t right” he thought briefly.
He left the beer, closed the refrigerator and walked to the deck and Ron.
But then two steps before the door he stopped and said “This is all bullshit” and he turned – guzzled down the beer he had in his hand and went right back to the frig and took out one more – thinking “I’ll drink this - I’ll listen to this Ron guy and go to the living room and get this over with”
When David got out on to the porch he said – “Ok man let’s go – I’ll listen and we’ll just get this over with. So come on.”
Ron said calmly – "If you don’t mind David, I’d just like to slow down a bit . . . sit out here with you for a minute and calm down – I’m a bit nervous too."
“Want a beer?” David laughed
“Yeah.” Ron said – “but actually scotch is my drink of choice.”
“Really? You want a glass of scotch?" David asked half serious.
“Hell yeah I do – from time to time - I’d love to be able to just sit back and have a drink of Johnnie Walker on the rocks.” Ron said - with a dreamy look in his eyes.
“Well I don’t have any Johnnie Walker – but I have some Dewar’s – never drink the stuff my self – hate it”. David said.
“But you see, David – I don’t want one glass I want 10 glasses.” Ron said.
“I know what you mean.” – said David
“You know what I miss though?” – said Ron.
“What?” said David
“I miss the sound of the ice cubes hitting the glass – you know that sound - that crystal ringing sound – it was part of the foreplay of my drinking – and then I’d pour my Black on them and as I drank I’d slightly shake the glass so I could hear that sound – yeah . . . I miss that.” Ron reminised.
David – was silent – he had never heard anyone talk about his drinking with such a feeling of romance for alcohol.
“But, you don’t drink anymore do you - right?” David asked
No – David – it’s been 22 years now.
“What! 22 years without even a sip – Oh, come on man – that’s hard to believe.” David said
“Yeah, 22 years.” Ron said
They sat there – in silence – David hadn’t taken even a sip of his beer.
He wandered off somewhere – the wind from the bay brought the smell of fall and the trees and their leaves rustled. David looked up as the sun shone through the autumn colored branches resting on his face – he gave his face to the rays and slowly closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Ron looked at David, and his thoughts went to God - and a prayer came to his heart asking God for the strength help him and David now in this moment – he closed his eyes too.
Time stood still for Ron and David – there was peace and serenity in the space.
After a few minutes David spoke – “Ok Ron, tell me – what is happening?
“David - I am going to say some things to you - and well - they may seem harsh and cruel and disrespectful - But, what I want you to know is that - I do know you - I know you as one like myself David - and you are sick. You are an alcoholic and you are sick. Do you know that?” Ron asked.
“No!!” David said with a humph in his voice. – “I don’t think I am an alcoholic – I mean, come on man – alcoholics – sleep under bridges – they carry their cheap wine around in a brown paper bags – they get multiple DUI’s, they beat their wives – and abuse their kids. I don’t do any of that.” David said.
“I do agree from time to time I drink too much – but I’m not an alcoholic Ron.” David replied.
“David” Ron said “Let me ask you 20 questions and then I’ll tell you what is waiting for you there in your living room”.
“Ok – Shoot – do I get extra credit if I get them all right?” David said jokingly
“Well, not too many get 100 % but if you do – I’ll be shocked.” Ron said
“So David:
"Do you lose time from work due to drinking?"
“You mean, have I stayed home because of a hangover? – Ok yeah.”
"Is drinking making your home life unhappy?"
“To Susan it is" Said David
“How about the boys and Richard?” Asked Ron
“Ok – yeah” David admitted.
"Have you ever felt nervous and wanted a drink to calm you down?"
“Sure – OK – yes on that one”
"Is drinking affecting your reputation?"
“How do I know? I know Richard is pissed" – but then he thought of the bankers meeting when Rick Stackhouse commented “off the record” that the couple of the guys were hesitant on the last loan because of roomers of his Family 4th event about both him and Robert – passing out on the lawn – the drunk tank – the last 5 family 4ths – he stopped there.
“Ok – yes.”
"Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?"
“Yes”
"Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?"
He remembered the biker bar and the fight - he liked those places, they were bizarre , crazy fun.
"Yep" - he said drifting off
"Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?"
He thought of Ronny and Nate’s football games he missed this fall - how Ronny was so upset when he came to the first game of the season drunk.
"Ok - yes"
“How am I doing so far?” David sarcastically jokes - submitting to the obvious and feeling lighlty amused.
“I think you are getting an A so far.” Ron said
“A like in Alcoholic, Ron?” Both David and Ron chuckled lightly.
"Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?"
He thought of the Dallas drunk tank fiasco - but he knew only he and Robert were aware of the real details.
"No." - he lied.
"Has your ambition decreased since drinking?"
"No, not that I’m aware of"
"Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?"
"You mean – like every night? - No"
"Do you drink because you are shy with other people?"
“Na – I like to drink at parties and with business associates – but I’m a pretty naturally confident, agressive and outgoing guy.” David clarified
"Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?"
“No”
"Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?"
“What do you mean?”
“Well have you been less effective at work.” Ron clarified
“Hell no – if anything – I get ballzier, take more risks, think outside the box and push for projects which sometimes my brothers will sit on when I have a few. - So, no.”
"Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?"
"No – I don’t think so."
“Alright - I think I’m gunna get a C, Ron” - David joked
"Do you want a drink the next morning?"
“Well, hell yea, if I drank too much – a few beers helps take the edge off - ya know - hair of the dog.”
"So, yes."
"Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?"
"Well duh! – me and 100 million other people drink after work sometimes and on TGIF days – So yeah - but I’m not alone on that"
"Do you drink alone?"
"No – not really - well there have been a few times"
“So – no – not my usual style.”
"Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?"
"uh yeahhh – that has happened to me more than I would like lately - but shit almost everyone I know who drinks has had that one from time to time.” - he justifies
'Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?"
“No”
"Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?"
“No - Ok – yeah.” he admitted.
"Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?"
“No.”
"So, no jail or drunk tanks?" Ron asked
“How did you hear about that - shit, did Susan tell you everything?”
“Ok, yes.” David admitted
“Well, by my count you answered yes to 12 and maybe to 3” Stated Ron
“Yeah, and what does that tell you?” David asked.
“Well, these test questions are used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital in Baltimore and health professionals to help them in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic.” Ron explained.
“If you answered yes to one of the questions, this is a warning that you may be an alcoholic. If you answered yes to any two, there's a good chance that you are an alcoholic. If you answered yes to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.” Ron stopped.
David – was listening and waiting for more – Ron waited
“So - you are saying that Johns Hopkins says I’m an alcoholic – right?” David half kidding inquired.
“David – your family is very worried about you – they love you, but your behavior when you drink is causing them to feel afraid - and from what they have told me - well frankly they feel upset almost constantly now - they can't trust you and what you'll say or do and they cannot continue to live with you if you do not choose to stop your drinking - and I don’t mean slow down, David, or change pace or change types of alcohol – I mean stop completely and permanently.” Ron Said
“What are you saying?” David stared intensely at Ron and standing up. “Are you saying that Susan and the boys are not going to live with me - what are you saying?” David asked.
“David – here is what is waiting for you in your living room – your friends and family need to tell you how they feel about you – how they feel about your drinking and how your drinking behavior effects them. Can you go back in there an allow them to do that?” Ron asked.
David who still hadn’t taken a sip of his beer for the last 10 minutes – paused – now he took a sip – semi-consciously.
“And, if I won’t?” He asked.
“David – do you love your family and those friends in there?” Ron asked.
“Come on Ron – don’t bate me like that– of course I love my family.” David said
“Look David, - this is the hard part – you know Susan has been talking to you about your drinking for several years, right? And about 2 months ago she got off of the anxiety medicine the doctor gave her and started to go to Alanon - Right?” Ron asked
“Yes” David responded, looking down - starting to feel that new strange feeling of something is coming - something . . . he wanted it . . . - he instictively took a deep pull on his beer closing his eyes - taking a deep breath w an ever so soft moan of release
“David, . . . I have to tell you that this type of intervention most of the time doesn’t really work.” Ron said.
“What do you mean?” David asked
“Well, Susan and Richard and Ronny and Sara have told you many times that your drinking has been bothering them - Right?” Ron asked
“Yes.”
Ron continued. “Listen David – today’s type of intervention is where you did not know this was going to happen – and maybe you feel . . . well - ambushed”
“Maybe?” David exclaimed.– “I am ambushed, Ron”
“Ok – but Susan’s, or Richard’s or Sara’s talking to you has not changed you - and all of the evidence that you are an alcoholic has not changed you.” Ron restated.
“Hey look Ron – you are calling me an alcoholic and I am not agreeing on that.” David objected.
“Ok – Ok – look - is it true of you, that you are not really listening to them and stopping your drinking?” Ron asked
“Yes” – David said.
“And is it also true - you do not want to stop - do you?" Ron said clearly.
“Well - truthfully?” David hesitated “No, I don’t.”
“So – well – David – look” Ron gathered his thoughts – “. . . sometimes in an intervention the alcoholic is in on the intervention session - but today is your family’s last attempt to help you understand the seriousness of your drinking to them. And now you can choose to either go in there and allow your loved ones to talk to you - or not.” He said
“What will it be?” - Ron asked.
David looked off over the bay - the breeze kicked up - his hair blew back - there was a deep rush of calm - an audible stillness to which David's whole body lightly jerked - he now noticed and clearly saw for the first time . . . he was helpless . . . yes, he could simply see that . . . helpless to change any part of the situation. . . helpless to change how others felt. . . helpless to change how he felt . . . he saw his compliance to arrive at this very destination . . . he was helpless to change any of his past choices to make this situation different . . . he saw he was always helpless . . . helpless . . . he now understood helpless. . .helpless was real . . . reality felt good . . . yes reality felt safe - he relaxed - he wanted to celebrate and a beer would be great . . . what. . . what was that . . . oh yeah . . . something good
Lightly entranced David slowly glanced down - noticed his beer was empty - a sharp cramp immediately reminded him he had to get up and do something else but get a beer - he remembered
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 3:00 PM
CHAPTER 23
This dialogue is deep into the intervention coming after 8 different people including David’s 3 children have expressed their feelings regarding his behavior and drinking
---------
Susan aggressively approaching him – looking him in the eye and then slapped him with all of her strength - knocking him out of his chair – Richard watched to see if David would attempt to defend himself in any way prepared to step in – but David just took the slap and allowed the pain of his face to be felt deeply – he hung his head - shacking it slightly as if to say - I understand and I deserved that - and he couldn’t look at Susan - he couldn’t feel the impact of the moment enough to cry – he was too much in shock with everything that was happening to his life – he had never heard Susan rebuke him or anyone like that – he felt how he had lost Susan’s trust - and realized that her trustin him was something he had teken for granted - that it would always be there - and he understood her trust was very dear to him and he had forgotten how she felt so tenderly about his body and their intimacy and the depth of her feelings of finding their moments together which was a safe resort for her.
Susan said “you didn’t have sex.” Laughing sardonically – “God damn it David.” – she turned and walked away putting her head in her hands briefly then throwing back her head, stomping her foot very hard with each yell of - FUCK! . . . FUCK!. . . FUUUCK! –
She turned and fell down on the couch - half prostrating herself - - - like a teenager would on her bed; feeling into a broken heart, burying her head in her folded arms and began loud, long and hard weeping sounds - becoming uncontrollable.
No one moved - the feeling of unreconcialble grief was clearly felt - and the messages of responsability were clear.
“Susan, I’m . . . I'm really sorry . . . I never. . .
Susan sat up and looked at him “You’re sorry – your sorry David – you think that is going to fix this – you think that all you have to do is say I’m sorry Susan and I’ll forgive you - or say – (sarcastically - mocking him) Oh, honey it’s alright . . . that your fucking secretary stuck your cock in her mouth – but it’s ok – just don’t do it again – and now we’re back to trusting each other. – get real David - you fucking betrayed me you broke our vows – you asshole."
David began – “Susan geez, you never swear – I …”
"Right, David I never do swear do I?- that’s right – And why is that? Because I told your years ago I did not want swear anymore – but ooops I forgot - I'm sorry. – no David, actually I didn’t forget – I’m swearing on purpose, you idiot, because you have offended me so much - you have violated me so much - you have hurt me so much - I frankly am not attempting to be a good girl in this moment - what I learned from Alanon and talking with thoses bitches - is I’m letting out all of the rage I feel for you because of what your behaviors and your drinking has done to our lives - my life and our childrens lives – because if I held these feelings inside David - I’d probably take a heavy object and beat you to death with it - I sware to you – Oh and by the way – in case you don’t know - I have never cheated on you either – Why? Because I gave you my word and made a vow I would never do that."
No one spoke – David was numb and his thoughts were blank – Richard too, was profoundly impacted by the moment - and Ron was sitting back fully understanding this is exactly what an intervention should do to the participants – each one is best served by full uncompromising communication - especially in this moment of potential for deep expression - allowing the expression for the pain, the grief, the sorrow and damage that abuse of any kind can inflict on couples, their children and friends - which sometimes permanently and potentially irreparably altering all of their relationships.
After a few moments Susan got up and said calmly – "That’s it – I’m done here – I can’t do this marriage any more – I want out of the relationship David - and I never want you to be in my house again – get out - get out now – Richard . . get him out of here - now Richard."
Richard got up and approached Susan and holding out his hands – and as she took them and looking in her eyes he said calmly and slowly– “Susan – I understand - I know how upset you are – but I don’t’ feel you should make such a permanent decision while you are feeling this way."
Ron spoke up and said – “Yes, Susan - Richard’s right – these feelings you are having are very normal for you right now - they are very healthy - and I want to praise you for the courage it took to let them all out - but you need time to process all of the many details and the impacts this time is having for you and for everyone - especially the effect which making such a choice right now would have on everyone while you are this upset. Here’s what I’d recommend – Allow Richard and I to finish up with David – I have already told you the procedures we will follow to complete this phase of the intervention – so please Susan if you could stick with the plan and leave, I assure you in a few hours when David is gone – either to the treatment center or out of the house and you and I and Richard and Stacy can talk with you – you will feel much better – so please just go ahead now – Stacy is in the car waiting.”
Susan – now was in a state of drained exhaustion and was sitting on the couch staring off with a blank look on her face – broke the silence – “Sure – fine – ok” getting up slowly, walked to the front door, opening it calmly, her arms dropping to her side – stood for a moment and then walked out not closing the door.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 2:59 PM
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CHAPTER 26
Later – after David is gone and Richard is back from taking David to the airport with Stacy
“Now here’s the hard part for you to understand, Susan” – Ron explained – “and I am not trying to make excuses for David at all, believe me, about his behaviors - especially the infidelity - there is not any reason or excuse which makes that behavior acceptable – But you really need to hear this Susan, and I told you before – David is sick Susan – he is just as sick as if he had cancer or diabetes – and in a very real way Susan David is innocent – he literally cannot control his behavior, he is just that sick – he has a socially and biologically inherited illness which is in an almost epidemic proportion throughout the world today. But drugs and alcohol are only a symptom of this deeper problem – they are a coping mechanism for the deeper pains and fears we all are dealing with – why today there are over 30 million people who are on prescription drugs just to alleviate the symptoms of the many forms of this mental illness - but the truth be told - this is all really a Spiritual collapse in the moral fabric of our international adult society.
Susan – said in a low tone – “I know Ron – and I’m sorry I kind of freaked out like that – but – well I just feel such a great sense of loss - I lost my best friend – like I don’t even know David – like he is not the person I married.”
“He isn’t Susan - and he never will be again – the David you married is gone – but here is the good news – if David goes through the process and takes on recovery seriously – you and he will come to know a new David – a happier and more sensitive David – he will be gentler and more understanding and calmly sympathetic – but it will take probably 2 years of consistent sobriety work for David to integrate the majority of changes needed to take place in his personality – he and you will need to learn - for the first time, really - how to be consciously happy and responsible - then you will both be much happier – trust me on this – I have known literally hundreds of people who, after getting sober, find a new self and a new take on life, And you were right about his relationship to God – that too will change profoundly if David commits to living a sober life – and that too will not always be easy for him or for you – finding the God of your understanding is very difficult at first – but you have your Alanon support and I know Richard and Stacy understand the opportunity and journey ahead of you both. And, God willing, he will come out of treatment with a different perspective. So as I mentioned to you before – I am recommending a 90 day treatment program for David – he defiantly, in my opinion, has some very deep co-dependant and childhood issues to deal with.
Ron paused to allow Susan to take it all in – he glanced at Richard who was looking at him and nodded his head in compassionate approval and felt grateful that Ron had spoken up and given Susan another vision of the situation - and he mouthed “thank you” to Ron.
Ron nodded affirmatively in return.
Susan was now gazing blankly out the window onto the bay, lost in the reflections on the water which sort of mesmerized her and brought her into a state of semi-conscious presence.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 2:58 PM
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CHAPTER 84
Preface – background:
The meditation that morning was long.
‘Have you ever felt how difficult it is to sit quietly? And yet have you ever felt – he paused and took a long easy but full breathe – and spoke in a clear, short and measured voice . . .the joy . . . . . . . .the passion of stillness . . . . . . . .the place in you that seems it is only for you . . . . . . . .have you allowed that deep restedness to take you over . . . . . . . .to see the room brighten all around you . . . . . . . .to fill all of your muscles and nerves with a motionless pulsing energy that makes the thought of sex almost violent and it’s seeking for communion an unnecessary wrestling . . . . . . . . the stillness puts that desire aside . . . . . . . . it is not an action but a submission . . . . . . . . a releasing trust of a vulnerable kind . . . . . . . .I’ve resisted stillness’ secret because of what the joy tells me . . . . . because of what the passion states in it’s presence - because it tells me that that everything I have ever tried to do in my life - to get what I thought I wanted - has been false to this very moment of feeling this Divine grace . . . . . . . .I see now this stillness is where the source of love rests waiting for my mind and all the thoughts and all the searching to cease – it feels religious – it feels is like a sacrament – it is the place where God delivers who He meant us to be and what He gave us as life to understand . . . . . . “
David was frozen – he looked at Al – who just sat there – still staring off into space – he looked around - the other men sat in their chairs – their eyes closed – Rodney was slightly rocking in a rhythmic sway.
He noticed too his attention was motionless he dared not move – he was afraid that the moment would stop – it was so new and yet he knew it had never had left it him – but he had forgotten to ever look at it – then he saw visions of Nate nursing on Susan’s breast – last summer’s sunrise where he was alone on Lake Huron – the moment his father took his last breath – and a kaleidoscope of life events which all seemed to have the same quality of knowing gently flashed through his mind – then a sound began to rumble - some where deep inside of him - a moan a deep deep moan – he could not stop it - he did not want to stop it – it had a motion and a destiny of it’s own – it carried with it respect, honesty and integrity – it had been waiting – he knew that fact somehow – he remembered when he opened the refrigerator door that day of the intervention but had forgot it – but he had seen it a thousand times he just did not recognize what it was – now his breathing wasn’t his own now – he was somehow being breathed – he was feeling the moan gaining a power in his belly like he had never felt before – and then it happened – his mouth opened and the sound of his pain saw the daylight of his consciousness and it came out in a long deep groan - louder now – gaining momentum - pushing it’s sound out through his open mouth – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – it seemed to have no end and yet it was effortless – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – he had no control now – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – he then knew it – he saw it clearly for the first time – it was all of his shame, guilt, remorse and fear for everything he had ever done to anyone and to mostly to himself – but then he really understood – it was God’s forgiveness – David’s whole body shook and turned into a wail – a deep loud wail –aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – “oh God” – “I …. am …..so sorry - - I am so so sorry” – the tears came - they would not stop - he could not stop them – he did not want to stop them – his arms were spontaneously raised as if to catch something from above - his hands were open – his fingers widely splayed - his head fell back - allowing his sounds to be unobstructed – David wept and cried uncontrollably for minutes - unable to talk - or move from his chair. Then his arms slowly came down resting at his side – his eyes looked forward – he gazed around the room – his face was softly open - there was a glow in his cheeks - a look in his eyes – he was seeing from a different place – there was a palpable peace - then a slight and gentle smile – it was the smile of compassion and understanding for his innocence and ignorance for his sins - Grace that filled the moment – turning to Al - he said softly “thank you” - . . . . .
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 2:57 PM
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CHAPTER 108
David’s eyes filled with tears as he felt the arms of Susan and the children. . . .all of David’s senses were filled with the clear warmth of understanding acknowledging what this moment signified for all of them.
Sober – present – gratefully aware that each moment now always provides so much information including the silent instruction of when and how to act - so as to be free in his authentic feeling while prepared for anything to occur. . . . yes acceptance and allowance was now David’s understanding . . . he was now capable to see, feel and understand each moment with all that is true - including his thoughts and feelings . . .it all arose in his life - as his life – as life itself . . . he understood the gift of being here and now
David’s eyes slowly opened – no one was moving – there was a powerful silence and stillness embracing him and his family . . .Susan, Ronny, Nate and Sarah were deeply surrendered to the embrace of each other – almost being breathed by a force unseen.
Outside in the circle drive a cab pulled up and a man in his 40’s got out . . . reaching through the passengers window to pay . . the trunk opened and the man moved to the back – reaching into the trunk pulling out an Army issue duffel and carry on flight bag – as the cab pulled away – the man looked around and walked over to the wooden bench laying the bag against the huge Oak tree – and sat down
David watched – time seemed to stand still again – David was used to that now as he saw it all unfolding – David knew he was being engaged to be the observer – although too far away to hear it was clear what the man was feeling and what he said – “Fuck – Fuck – now what???” – as he sat down his - head thrown back looking up into the expanse of the great tree David could see that this man relaxed a bit and for a brief moment grazed up through the leaves to the sun - which shown on his face – it seemed for only him – his body relaxing – he seemed to laugh and shake his head in humorous disbelief - breathing deeply he closed his eyes – all seemed at peace - then as if a loud noise had distracted him his eyes opened pensively appearing to see an image in his mind – he was remembering something - his face showed a look of panic - he jerked and winced then the angered tears - and his howled and pained voice broke the silence so that some inside looked out.
Feeling his response of his families much deserved rest in his arms – David pushed back – ever so slowly – looking deeply into the eyes of Susan and each of the children and said – “We’re so fortunate that God has given us back to each other” – all agreed.
They all laughed – David shaking his head in mocking disbelief – then his eyes returned to the man . . .who was now crying silently . . David look back at everyone said – “Tell you want - you guys have some of this great healthy food – ok?” . . . glancing up again at the man . .which made Susan, Sarah, Ronny and Nate look out the window too . . . they immediately understood the scene. .spontaneously they all looked back at David who was transfixed on the man . . . he felt his family’s eyes on him – he looked at them and said “I’ll be right back” . . . everyone understood.
David walked out of the dining area seeming to disappear and reappear suddenly standing next to the man on the bench. David’s face was given over as was his full attention to this stranger in pain.
“Hey” he said in a soft and gentle voice . . . patiently waiting while being with this one with his head in his hands.
The man looked up . . .a bit dazed that anyone was there . . . “Hey” - he responded – wiping his nose and laughing slightly – “Hay fever” . . both laughing at the pun – they smiled at each other as their eyes met.
The man saw David see him and understand his pain saying – “shit . . I fucked up again. . and I am so scared”
“I can’t fucking do this, man – you know – I can’t . . . .fuck . . Fuck . . FUCK!!”
“Yeah, I get the fuck part” David said supportively – feeling his own wound still just healing.
As they gazed at each other – time seemed to stop – the man on the bench saw David, not as an other, but as himself – and like a vision, he saw himself standing there clean and sober – he saw the strength and presence that were only a distant memory of another life time.
David reached out, placing his hand on the man’s shoulder, never breaking eye contact. . . saying with a strong grip on the mans shoulder . . . “ I understand” . . . consciously pausing “I truly understand - 6 months ago I was you . . . and what I am about to say will sound crazy right now – but you are about to have one of the most meaningful, honest, real and healing times of your life”
The man in the moment relaxed – he felt and understood David clearly and consciously . . . then . . .like a violent explosion had erupted in the mans head . . jumping to his feet . . . backing up almost tripping on his Army bag - causing him to spin around. . . falsely intuiting that David was gay and was possibly coming on to him said. “you don’t understand me - you don't even fucking know me, man – you have never seen me before – back up man”
David with a glimmer in his eye and a brief recollection of his moment with Ron in his kitchen said.
“Right . . . sorry…say registration is over there . . . good luck.” and turned and walked away.
Seeing Susan and the kids up the drive – he immediately was joyous and jogged up to meet them – they were standing next to the rental SUV which was all packed with camping gear.
Once everyone was in the car David pulled out a map and said “Where to?”
Susan reaching out her hand to David’s - looking deeply into his face – fully aware of the ordeal and process David and everyone had lived through over the last year said
“It doesn’t matter . . . we’re all back together now. . .we trust you . . .you choose.”
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 2:55 PM
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EPILOGUE
Life is choosing – we either choose consciously to change our behaviors – or - by our just denying and allowing what behaviors are in place to stay in place by not choosing new behaviors - our results will always be the same.
Choose – a responsible life - and remember this message – untreated addictions kill more than one person at a time – and they do so very painfully and very slowly.
Be responsible – help – serve – find your passions for change and CHOOSE - what you will DO.
Pass it on.
posted by Hubbell's Writings at 2:53 PM
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About Me
- Name: Hubbell's Writings
- Location: Sebastopol, California, United States
Previous Posts
- WITNESS AND UNDERSTAND THIS:
- Dear Reader,
- OUR MORAL CODE
- PERSONAL NOTE
- - - RECOVERING OUR MORAL SANITY - -
- OF THE AMERICAN POPULATION ALONE
- INTRODUCTION
- CHAPTER 1
- CHAPTER 2
- CHAPTER 3
