CHAPTER 84

Preface – background:

Al Griggs – who is in St Anthony Farm rehab facility with David – is a 6 foot 2, 230 pound 28 year old ex-con and drug pusher from the streets of LA - who, from 19, had spent 7 years off and on in San Quentin for dealing heroine and was involved in voluntary manslaughter – Al was someone everyone at St Anthony's has respect for - his honesty and no bullshit street smart talk and focus on the principles of recovery - he has become David’s confidant and reality mentor.

As is the routine every morning - all of the men meet in the chapel and meditation room after getting up and before breakfast -

David has been there for about 3 months - not having spoken to any of his family or friends directly except through letters - they have made it clear his alcoholic behavior, will never be tolerated again. . .

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The meditation that morning was long.

Then Al interrupted the normal silence and spoke out: his words coming in short clear phrases with very long pauses in between them - his head was postured as if he were staring at something in the air 3 feet in front of him above his head

‘Have you ever felt how difficult it is to sit quietly? And yet have you ever felt – he paused and took a long easy but full breathe – and spoke in a clear, short and measured voice . . .the joy . . . . . . . .the passion of stillness . . . . . . . .the place in you that seems it is only for you . . . . . . . .have you allowed that deep restedness to take you over . . . . . . . .to see the room brighten all around you . . . . . . . .to fill all of your muscles and nerves with a motionless pulsing energy that makes the thought of sex almost violent and it’s seeking for communion an unnecessary wrestling . . . . . . . . the stillness puts that desire aside . . . . . . . . it is not an action but a submission . . . . . . . . a releasing trust of a vulnerable kind . . . . . . . .I’ve resisted stillness’ secret because of what the joy tells me . . . . . because of what the passion states in it’s presence - because it tells me that that everything I have ever tried to do in my life - to get what I thought I wanted - has been false to this very moment of feeling this Divine grace . . . . . . . .I see now this stillness is where the source of love rests waiting for my mind and all the thoughts and all the searching to cease – it feels religious – it feels is like a sacrament – it is the place where God delivers who He meant us to be and what He gave us as life to understand . . . . . . “

David was frozen – he looked at Al – who just sat there – still staring off into space – he looked around - the other men sat in their chairs – their eyes closed – Rodney was slightly rocking in a rhythmic sway.

He noticed too his attention was motionless he dared not move – he was afraid that the moment would stop – it was so new and yet he knew it had never had left it him – but he had forgotten to ever look at it – then he saw visions of Nate nursing on Susan’s breast – last summer’s sunrise where he was alone on Lake Huron – the moment his father took his last breath – and a kaleidoscope of life events which all seemed to have the same quality of knowing gently flashed through his mind – then a sound began to rumble - some where deep inside of him - a moan a deep deep moan – he could not stop it - he did not want to stop it – it had a motion and a destiny of it’s own – it carried with it respect, honesty and integrity – it had been waiting – he knew that fact somehow – he remembered when he opened the refrigerator door that day of the intervention but had forgot it – but he had seen it a thousand times he just did not recognize what it was – now his breathing wasn’t his own now – he was somehow being breathed – he was feeling the moan gaining a power in his belly like he had never felt before – and then it happened – his mouth opened and the sound of his pain saw the daylight of his consciousness and it came out in a long deep groan - louder now – gaining momentum - pushing it’s sound out through his open mouth – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – it seemed to have no end and yet it was effortless – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – he had no control now – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – he then knew it – he saw it clearly for the first time – it was all of his shame, guilt, remorse and fear for everything he had ever done to anyone and to mostly to himself – but then he really understood – it was God’s forgiveness – David’s whole body shook and turned into a wail – a deep loud wail –aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – “oh God” – “I …. am …..so sorry - - I am so so sorry” – the tears came - they would not stop - he could not stop them – he did not want to stop them – his arms were spontaneously raised as if to catch something from above - his hands were open – his fingers widely splayed - his head fell back - allowing his sounds to be unobstructed – David wept and cried uncontrollably for minutes - unable to talk - or move from his chair. Then his arms slowly came down resting at his side – his eyes looked forward – he gazed around the room – his face was softly open - there was a glow in his cheeks - a look in his eyes – he was seeing from a different place – there was a palpable peace - then a slight and gentle smile – it was the smile of compassion and understanding for his innocence and ignorance for his sins - Grace that filled the moment – turning to Al - he said softly “thank you” - . . . . .

No one in the room had moved - they all knew what was happening – many of the other men were also weeping – some with their heads in their hands - James and Cliff were embracing each other - sobbing quietly

Gene too was silently crying – his eyes were open - tears were freely flowing down his cheeks – joy was in his face – gratitude was in his heart – he always felt this way when God granted forgiveness to those who were humbly ready to receive it.